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  • luctensity 9:54 am on April 23, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Love Matters 

    This time, it is no longer a general point of view from most guy or whatsoever. Today, I am going to write about myself – how my love life had been a total failure ever since it started; for instance, none of my relationships last for more than 2 or 3 years or so which also indicates that somehow I was not very serious about it. Ah, I guess things are just too complicated for me to understand. Now, I’m really confused and I’m not really sure now weather what I felt before was love or just a mere relationship. However, I still have feelings (perhaps) towards my first ex; there’s this uneasy feeling (I’m not sure if it is a good or a bad feeling) whenever I see her, maybe I felt uneasy because I know that somewhere inside me, there’s that girl lurking around or mere jealousy towards her new boyfriend. Somehow, I really want to forget her because I was the one who left her – I am not regretting anything because I don’t really want to care about her anymore. She’s just a good looking with a good heart bitch anyway. Whenever I think about that particular past – it was pathetic.

    Sorry but that’s not all, there’s actually two more girls but somehow I don’t really feel connected to them maybe because I don’t really have feelings towards them. Geez, they were the ones who wanted me – pity them (Does that makes me a bad guy? I did make their wishes come true, at least for a couple months). I did try to like them but I just can’t and I’m pretty sure they weren’t that serious after all since they already got their new ones too. Lucky them~ For now, I’m just that unlucky guy who really suck at this kind of things – not that I am complaining or anything since I know that I’m not good looking, not a guy with much sense of humour and not very athletic since my doctor asked me to avoid the sun as much as possible (not really a good excuse). I’m just an ordinary typical guy with barely any talent at all – just a bit of everything; nothing outstanding and maybe that is why I don’t really shine in the crowd (However, I’m not timid).

    Despite all of that, I do have a lot of friends since I moved quite a number of times already. I really love spending time with friends, hanging out or even just talking to them makes me feel satisfied. However, there is this one problem, sometimes when I meet some friends of mine (of opposite gender) here comes this weird feeling that I can’t really explain, I really want to spend time with them but somehow I don’t want to fall for them, basically because I don’t want things to turn bad and in the end since I’ll be the one who would lost everything. I just can’t… take that risk.

    Friends -> Good Friends -> Lovers —(if things turn out great)—> True Love?
    Friends -> Good Friends -> Rejected -> Awkward
    Friends -> Good Friends -> Lovers —(if things doesn’t go your way)—> Disaster?

    So I guess that makes me a coward after all. Maybe I don’t want to be rejected, I don’t know, my feelings are complicated. I am so lost…

    When it comes to love in the family, I never really sense the strength of it, maybe I got used to it or maybe it doesn’t even exist. Okay, relationship with siblings? Not that good, we barely communicate with each other, what more to agree on certain things, we all favour different thing, have different hobbies, different interests and a whole lot more. [NO OFFENSE] My brother and I? Not that close. Maybe when we were still young, he had this very bad temper which makes me fear him. He always got what he wanted whatever it takes for him to get them and sometimes I got jealous which is perfectly normal. My sister? Well we go pretty well its just that we’re not really that close and I don’t have a clue why. My younger sisters always have things to do, they play with each other a lot and that makes me somehow feel alone at home.

    As a result, I was teased when I made friends with guys a few years younger than me – if I ever had a younger brother, I wouldn’t have been bothered to even talk to them because I felt that I somehow lack  of something in life. When I was a kid, I never had the chance to play football because no one would teach me how or play with me (that time my brother was not even bothered to play with me), no one taught me how to ride a bicycle and as a result, I still suck at it until today. All I wanted is just someone to spend my time with doing what I could not do what I was young; at least to have that moment where I don’t feel like a stranger in my own fantasy. That is why I studied very hard to please my parents so that I am apparent to them – not just a shadow of my brother and sisters. Maybe that is why somehow people might take me as a nerd who scores in every exams but the truth is, I never enjoyed studying for the sake of studying alone but the matter of fact is, I study for the sake of pleasing people around me since I never had any great outstanding talents nor a genius who could score for his IQ test, I’m just an ordinary guy who worked a little harder to make myself obvious. I once asked a friend, “Why do you want to be friends with me?” and he replied “so I would not forget to study, since you always create that competition kind of feeling”.  I felt disappointed.

    Who am I? I never figured out that. I don’t have my own identity, there is absolutely nothing special. And all these while I wanted to be myself but I’m afraid I have been living a fraud life. Usually I’m the optimistic kind of guy but I now doubt is that really me or am I faking it?

    Someone said to me before, “Human change, our hearts change and there is no such thing as being perfect; all you have to do is be better than yesterday and live life the way you want. There is no room for certainty when there is room for possibility, make those changes when you have the chance. Be a better person and people will recognize you not because of your achievements or your wealth, people will recognize you for who you were and who you are. All you have to do is have faith in yourself.” (Actually it is longer but that is all that I could remember since I don’t have good memory)

    Ah, sorry! It doesn’t seem to be a love related post as it reaches the end. Haha–!

    • Andi 2:12 pm on April 23, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      sedih jer bunyik, nak bunoh diri ker? chill man!

    • D 9:34 am on April 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      It may not be love. Honey 17 is still too young to fall in love. It could be infatuation.

      Give love time. Don’t fall in love because of the idea of love.

      • luctensity 10:49 am on April 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply

        so it seems, it may not be love after all but it does affect me somehow. btw, i’m 18 😛

    • D 9:21 am on April 26, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      Oh ya forgot you are already 18. Even so 18 & 17 are not far off.

      Loves come l loves go, Allah knows what best for you. He will gives you the best. Let experiences wise you. Don’t let bad experience scar you too much, let it toughen you.

      Good luck hon.

    • D 9:21 am on April 26, 2010 Permalink | Reply


    • Marsh 5:32 pm on June 15, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      salam. wow.. *inhale,exhale* i’ve read ur blog n i found something interesting ’bout ur life…. when u said; “I study for the sake of pleasing people around me…” i just.. smile n say “OH THANK GOD!! FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO HAVE THE SAME FEELING AS I AM!!” n yeah.. really, i also lost when finding true friends… sad though… i’m a shy n have a feeling of inferiority towards other people… it sucks. but.. life must go on… i hate when people puts HIGH expectations on me… i’m an ORDINARY human.. n i’m a TEENAGER.. i want to explore, discover, live my life happily… not pleasing the other’s.. *sigh*
      well, haha.. i need to STOP babbling… may Allah bless u always! 🙂

    • Tea and ee 8:07 am on July 27, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      theres someone out there waiting for you. 😉 tapi you je yg tak tahu.
      seperti org tua cakap, kalau jodoh tak kemana.
      lebih baik dicintai daripada mencintai 😉

  • luctensity 2:14 am on April 16, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Banting, Selangor. 

  • luctensity 3:12 pm on April 15, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    A little pissed… 

    I woke up pretty late seems because I slept late last night but that doesn’t matter.

    My shop-a-lot mission was a complete failure because I didn’t have any transport to go out earlier so I guess I have to postpone it .. again…

    For a whole lot boring day (it seems that this is how I feel everyday), I was hoping to chat with some friends and OH! what a coincidence! There goes Facebook chat maintainance. There isn’t much contact in my Yahoo! Messenger. Now? Back to bed I guess…

  • luctensity 11:53 am on April 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Response to Ruzaini’s Comment [Dressing Suggestion] 

    Well, initially- this does not mean that I do not know how to dress accordingly, it is just that, different people have different point of views and there is nothing wrong with trying something new based on the fact that it does not bring any harm to anyone. Usually, I dress casually – T-shirt (most of the time, long sleeves); I love stripes :p , jeans (faded ones occasionally but I prefer my Pierre Cardin’s Jeans); it has stripes too! and of course, shoes (I never wear slippers/capal unless I really have to e.g: going to the wet market).

    Quote Ruzaini

    “hey,i have some suggestion..

    1.choose tee shirt that fit urs(not too big and small) and avoid wearing too-fancy-jeans.its suck.A white tee and black jeans are simple for a day.

    2.put on some formal shirt(collar).it show maturity.”

    Well, the idea is not bad at all, I mean I’ve seen people dress up like that in movies and on posters; they sure look good but I guess it depends on who is wearing them :p However, trying never hurts, and if it does, that’s okay because I’ve been hurt a lot of times so I’m sure I can endure that. In order to fulfil my dress-up mission, I went to my room and looked for clothes that might be suitable. Alas, I only found these:

    Well, actually there are more but I think I’ll pass… Why?

    I couldn’t be bothered to look in that pile of junks down there… It will take almost forever, seriously that is just a part of them; you don’t want to see the other part… Disaster!
    As I was browsing through my junks, there was this one piece of trash that attracts me! My St John Ambulance uniform! The last time I wore them was around 2006, if I’m not mistaken. They look cool though it may look kindda old.

    Haha—I kindda miss those golden days. Ok now back to where I started, my clothes are completely outdated! This calls for… SHOPPING!

    Do you know of a place with great discounts? Do INFORM me! That would be really appreciated-!

    • Exo 1:25 pm on April 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      hell yeah,dude. this calls for shopping..u know what,me and my dad love shopping at KCH..many great clothes with avsome prices..u can take a walk at Parkson(crowne plaza) and The Spring.(i can only suggest this 2,coz iam not living there anymore,so idk if there are others.inform me when u didn;t agree)

      so,based on ur exciting-room-discovery above,i come out with a few ideas,

      try to wear a not-so jeans,u know..not blue..(many people like to wear common blue jeans)..u can try the white,cream,and black as well. U must try to suit the jeans with the colour of ur shirt..bright colors-green with white,purple with black,and so on..idk others people,but this is my suggestion. =)

      • luctensity 2:32 pm on April 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply

        Yep, Parkson is a great place to shop! x pun, ngiu kee saberkas / mall satok ok jgk.

        Thats one of my prob, most of my trousers are jeans, ada la brapa keping sluar cotton hitam tp cm outdated juak dh. White ones are ok I guess tp cepat kotor kot, kaler khaki pun ok. Hahax, tunggu aku shopping lok, nangga result nya :p

    • rebornyama 1:49 pm on April 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      sogo masjid india! hohoho~

    • pakya 5:24 am on April 14, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      heh~tetiba teringat uniform lama aku gak…aku jual jerk kt junior,bli 35,pakai 3thn,jual 2thn…xrugi sangat…simpan lama2 bukan ada org nak pakai dah

    • pakya 5:25 am on April 14, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      *jual 25…bkn 2thn…zzz

  • luctensity 3:43 am on April 12, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Music Mode 

    Listening to : La Kampanella – Paganini
    Current playlist :
    1. La Kampanella – Paganini
    2. Teardrop Waltz – Spring Waltz OST
    3. Caprice – Yo Yo Ma (Quartet)
    4. Old French Air
    [Semua lagu piano]

    Recommendations :
    1. Perry Como – And I Love You So (English – Oldies)
    2. One Love – Loveholic (Korean)
    3. Andai Ku Tahu – Ungu (Indonesian)

    Currently I’m listening to bunch of oldies songs because of this:

    I'm still at the top bebeh!

    By all means, I still haven’t figured out which genre is my kind of music, I don’t know… I listen to R&B, Pop and not to forget, rock too~ Attack Attack!, Silverstein, Four Year Strong FTW!!! Ah, I love Michael Buble` too @_@

    [I need a bunch of new clothes, I’m out of new ones… Any suggestions on how I should dress? :D]

    • Exo 4:28 am on April 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply

      hey..Exo was 3rd…haha..damn,Taha just went too fast..
      ku sma wak do,music challenge makes me on my Ares and upload some veteran stuff..haha.

      hey,i have some suggestion..

      1.choose tee shirt that fit urs(not too big and small) and avoid wearing too-fancy-jeans.its suck.A white tee and black jeans are simple for a day.

      2.put on some formal shirt(collar).it show maturity.

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